Saturday, January 07, 2006

Realizations...

I started this post yesterday, but fell asleep in bed with my laptop - fully clothed from the day. I think that I didn't even let the dog out the last time for the night, thankfully he is great at holding it! Things have been really getting to me lately. I am very tired and overly stressed, which in turn makes a lot of other things in my life more difficult to handle. On most days, I am a happy person and do not consider myself to be easily "depressed". So, I would not describe the way I have been feeling lately as a depression, but more like a funk . . . a very funky funk! All I want to do is shake it off- insert song: "shake it off - shake, shake, shake it off" - I do teach in a diverse school and know some rap music!

I think, in what I like to describe to my students as "bullet format", so here is a list of what's funking me up and why. Maybe, oh maybe, writing them will help me process my thoughts and get through a few things!

~ I have not mentioned this b/c I didn't know how comfortable I would feel sharing it with a public (aka - "world wide web") format, but seeing that I have a small, faithful audience (thank you) that appears to be stalker free, here it goes . . . my husband travels a lot and is home only half of the time. He is an engineer and rotates to an oil rig for work every other month - leaving me to be a single parent half of the time. Not to mention when he is home making my life difficult b/c he is high-maintenance :) This is the second time he has been gone since Loco was born and the first time since I went back to work. It has been H*A*R*D - enough said!

~ My daughter has been absolutely uncooperative about going to bed! This means, she is staying of up later, so I am too to supervise and be with her. Plus, I can't relax right away once she is asleep, so I am going to bed later and later each night. This is not good. I need sleep desperately right now!

~ Both the kiddos & me have been sick. The other night I had a fever and felt like a piece of doggie poop! Thankfully, I felt a little better today, but not even close to 100%.

~ Speaking of feeling bad, my neck has been killing me. I went to the chiropractor today and asked him what my other options are b/c I feel like I am wasting money with him (not exactly what he wants to hear). I need to be adjusted and it feels better, but I am so damn stressed and tense that my neck feels like crap, again, within an hour or two. I asked him if he would recommend massage therapy and/or seeing a psychiatrist. He asked if I was stressed...LOL...I told him not too much with my immediate family (DH & the kiddos), but my Dad & sisters were killing me. So Doc recommended that I see a primarary care Dr. to see if they recommended counseling or could prescribe a medicine to help "take the edge off". I DON'T WANT MEDICINE - I want the shit to go away. I am a nursing mother that really wants to keep nursing and don't know how if that will be an option with medicine. I know meds can be a wonderful thing and have seen the positive effects on many people in my life (love ya!), but I never thought that I would be a person that needed them. So, now I am stressing about my stress, which is just the most unhealthy thing I could be doing right now! ARGH!

~ I have been so overwhelmed that my house is a wreck. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. all desperately need to be done and I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to do any of them. SIDE NOTE: I used to say, that "my house looks like a hurricane hit it", but due to recent events in my area, I found myself conscienously refraining from that phrase!

~ Over the last few weeks, I have noticed weight gain! I just had a baby 3 months ago and should be loosing the weight. It appears that I am not having much luck there. When I am tired I eat for energy; when I am stressed, I eat to coop; when I am with friends & family, I eat to socialize; I am b/c I love food! But, I don't exercise (and own an awesome elliptical machine) b/c I am too tired and have little time! Now none of my clothes are fitting and I refuse to buy a new wardrobe for this transitional phase.

~ Work is really getting to me, too. There is so much administrative work that teachers have to do now that it is hard to find time to stay focused on the students. That is why I teach, b/c I am student-centered and want to help them find their purpose in life to be happy and successful. I hate paper-work and red-tape!

~ My hair is falling out, again :( After I had Loo, I lost a lot of hair. It took a long time for it to come back. I have really fine hair to start off with, so loosing it really gets me down.

~ Potty training has been inching along. I really don't force it or try to train her b/c I firmly believe that theory that the child will do it when they are ready. I have been incredibly happy that Loo is going on the potty, but this "middle ground", going sometimes on it, but most of the time not - is really hard to keep up with and support. I am just trying my best to do a good job with her, love her, support her, and let her work it out for herself...


~ AND, I miss my "real life" friends and my blog friends - reading and commenting on all my favorite blogs. Something has to give, but I am really trying to work in some time for them, b/c it is a fun thing for me to do and gives me some down time!

Right now, I feel like I need to be Super Woman (the usual) to balance it all and I just want to lay down for a good day or two and be me. Then I can go back to Super Woman, once again!

6 comments:

Nik said...

Hang in there AL. You are doing an incredible job, even if it doesnt feel like it. Remember, you are doing the work of a single mother even though you are married. I know you have heard the saying, "If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy". You NEED to try and take some time to yourself to get better/healthy mentally and physically and that should lift your spirit a bit. Since I dont have kids, I have no comment about the 'going to bed issue' or the 'potty'. I'm sure Stewbie2 can sypathize on that one, Jenna never sleeps. Hang in there, I'll pray for you.

stewbie2 said...

haha!! Right on, Nik!! ;)

Al, you know I love you, woman. Bring me the kids, and go get a massage. You do, and have done, way more for me than is ever necessary from a best friend.

c said...

It seems lately that more and more of the women coming into my life are so very amazing. Now technically, you aren't exactly a woman in my life, but you are included in that small group AL. In the short time that I have known you, I have seen you be a loving mother, a fabulous wife, a fantastic friend, and i hear you might be a pretty decent teacher as well. Point being...you give all the time...to each of those separate jobs (yes...i recognize that they are each full-time jobs...especially the friend one :) )...so listen to stewbie2 and bring the kids over one evening and relax for a bit woman!!!

AL said...

Ah, guys! Don't make me cry;) THANKS!

Becky said...

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and sound like you're handling it better than most could. I would imagine it would exacerbate the issues with your husband gone half the time.

amy said...

Aww, darling! You have so many responsibilities but I bet you're handling it all better than you think. I know it's hard to handle those things when you're alone, but you'll make it through, I promise! :)