Monday, February 27, 2006

Sometimes I Only Want To Be Me . . .

This morning, driving to work, I was running through a list of things in my head that I do not want to be at this time. At this current moment, that list is dangerously large. I am guessing that many of you feel (or have felt) like this, too. I have felt like this before and it is a bad, bad place to go.

Overall, I would not decribe myself as a depressive person. Stressed -yes! But, for the most part, I have everyday stresses nothing too big or unmanagable. For some reason, I have hit the wall and I am very close to the point of no return. What do I mean? Basically, I have rounded the corner (full steam ahead) from Stress Avenue to Depression Lane . . . and it sucks!

There is not any one thing to blame it on, it is just a cummulation of a lot of things - all the things I don't want to be right now. The problem is - I love my life. I have more than I ever dreamed of, including a loving family, a good job, food on the table, etc. I guess that today I realized that sometimes having more than you dreamed of just weighs you down! Life is hard - when I start going down this lane, I always make it harder by complicating things, trying too hard, fumbling the easiest tasks . . .

I disappointed my Hubby by not getting the taxes done early enough.
I am dropping the ball at school (work) with the teacher that has left classes.
I am allowing my children to get on my nerves and can't find my patience.
My house looks like a train drove through it - LOL!

The list could go on. For a day, I just want to be me. Not a homeowner, a wife, a mama, a teacher, a neighbor, a friend, a CM Consultant, a DC - nothing. Such an easy thing to ask for, but a difficult thing to make happen. I'll be fine, I always pull through! In the mean time, it is getting harded to cover-up how I am feeling and show the person everyone expects.

"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." - Leo Buscaglia

7 comments:

The Kept Woman said...

It's easy for me to say 'cause I'm not you, but don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you're doing the best you can and that's all anyone should expect.

And if that piece of advice doesn't work for you I strongly suggest going for some beers and crawfish at Orlando's. (You're in Houston, right?) Or margaritas and queso at Victor's.

heather said...

I read your blog today and decided to finally stop "lurking" and post. You made me so sad today. I wish I had a magic cure that I could sprinkle all over you, but I don't. If you find one ever, maybe you could share it with me! I think the cure to all ailments is a move. This has seemed to work for me in the past. So,that being said, we're on our way back to Houston. In a few weeks we can commiserate together (the first round of margaritas is on me.) I can't wait to get our "girls time" back.

AL said...

{{{Hugs}}}} for Heather! I can't wait to have you back in the area :) Have a safe move.

Fantastagirl said...

Hang in there lady....remember we are all in this together - and... it will be okay...really it will.
{{{HUGS}}} to you!

Becky said...

I honestly don't know how you working moms do it all.

Southern Fried Girl said...

Gotta be a little easier on yourself. We tend to take too much on and then rag on ourselves for not getting it done. If only we could create clones of ourselves. If so, I'd be on the sofa reading instead of working.

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